Living With Teenagers- A Survival Guide

What has happened to my child?  I used to ask myself. 

Seemingly overnight they go from a sweet inquisitive child to a stroppy stranger.
Once secondary school hits they seem to disappear under beanie hats and strobe highlighter with no hope of ever returning to their sweet little former selves.

I currently live with three teenagers, two girls and a boy. 
In fairness, my son isn't really a teen anymore because he's 20 but like all boys, he seems a bit slow in the maturity stakes so I still consider him a teenager. He certainly acts like one! 

I've been through it all with my teenagers. 
The drama, the broken hearts, the three-week mouldy sandwiches, the exploding charcoal teeth whitener.

I just want to add before you read this guide that i am not a perfect parent, my parenting style is quite liberal and laid back and i'm sure there will be parenting behaviours that i write about that you may not agree with. Please do leave comments

I am a single mum so if you notice the constant reference to 'mum' that is because there is no dad in our household, not because i have any issues with fathers!

So this is my comprehensive guide to all the little challenges of living with a teenager and my advice on how to live with them without throttling them.

You Know Nothing 
The first thing you will notice about your newly formed teenager is that they know everything and you know nothing. They don't need your advice, you're too old.
It doesn't matter that you have been alive for 40 years, you don't understand and you just don't 'get it'. 
Your advice will be scoffed at, eye rolled and ignored whereas their spotty mate Adam will be a well-respected confidante and adviser.
My advice on this is that you have to let them get on with it and learn the hard way, that probably sounds a bit harsh but if they don't listen then there's not much else you can do. 
When it goes wrong resist the urge to gloat or be smug as it's not good for their self-esteem. Just be there for them, and make sure they take responsibility for their choices.
I had endless battles with my son on taking responsibilities for his choices.  
Homework, lost PE kits, broken promises, and the truth is that they only learn when it goes wrong. 

And the nomination for Best Actress/Actor goes to....
One Word. Drama. 
All teenagers come with a built-in ability to turn a small hardship into a  Shakespearean tragedy. I can remember my son coming home one evening looking like an unimaginable thing had happened. I'm thinking 'What's happened? has someone died? has there been a terrible accident? Nope, Adam has the new Assassins Creed computer game before your boy and it's all your fault because your rate of Pocket money is so measly.

Sometimes its so hard not to do the dramatic Eastenders tune when my daughter strops off because someone has eaten the last bag of wotsits but I resist the urge for fear of a full-on tantrum. 
Of course, when you are annoyed by their behaviour you are not afforded the same allowances to get angry. This Easter while I was away my son decided to have friends over and light a bonfire right in the middle of my back lawn. But in his mind, I was completely unreasonable to not want a massive bald patch in the middle of my garden. 

It may be a stereotype for the girls in the house to be a drama queen but I think dramatic outbursts can be just as bad in boys. The problem with teenagers is that their emotion is so raw, they feel everything so extremely and haven't yet learnt mastered the skills to regulate their own feelings.
For me, the best way to deal with dramatic outbursts has been to revert to toddler techniques of making sure they are in a safe place and let them get on with it until they are in the right frame of mind to reason with them. 
It's really important not to reward the dramatics by giving them what they want as you will just reinforce the behaviour ( i have previously made this mistake)
Make it clear to your teen that you cant discuss the issue until they have calmed down and can have a rational conversation. 

There is definitely a carpet in that bedroom- 
Dirty dishes and Dirty washing drive me crazy! The problem with me is that I'm not very studious in my household duties. So I don't really notice the absence of cutlery and socks until we are down to the last few. When there are no forks left in the cutlery drawer or a hundred odd socks in the sock box that's when I open the dreaded bedroom door....

And recoil in horror.
Because I remember decorating that bedroom and I definitely remember that there is a nice fluffy blue carpet. 

But all I can see are dirty dishes, clothes strewn everywhere, books, sweet wrappers and computer game cases. Equally left to their own devices the rest of the house would have a trail of destruction.
Teenagers amaze me. They take so much time and effort into how they look and yet surround themselves in squalor. It also amazes me how when their friends come to visit they feel no shame in the hovel they call a bedroom and equally the teenage visitor doesn't seem phased- probably because their bedrooms are the same.

My advice on this is to hit them where it hurts- in the pocket money, in the belly (not literally) or in the Wi-fi connection! 
I will always use the threat of withholding pocket money to get what I want.
My teenagers see me as an evil dictator but I'm just trying to avoid having to call out pest control. So clean your room or no money.

Changing the Wi-fi code is also very effective, although there will be some serious meltdowns to endure, it gets the job done! 

When it comes to cutlery and dishes I normally just wait until there are no forks left in the kitchen and then give them a choice, bring your dishes down or eat with your fingers.
I have previously been driven to leaving my son's portion of dinner in the casserole dish it was cooked in because he has so many dishes in his room.


Well I didn't eat it
One of the things that drive me mad in our house is the fridge. 
There seems to be a rule of ' if I find it then its mine' which cause so many arguments. 
We actually separate snacks into bags allocated to each teenager now and everyone had their own just to give me a peaceful life. 
The most frustrating thing my teens do is eat things I need for tea. I go to the supermarket buy all the ingredients for a lovely Macaroni Cheese only to go back to the fridge at 5pm to find that someone has eaten all the grated cheese in a cheese toastie munch-fest! 
My best solution for this is to hide certain foods in the vegetable crisper under the fruit and veg, my teens barely go near anything that has grown from the ground so stashing the cheese under the lettuces and onions works a treat. 
The other frustrating thing my three do is eat the contents and leave the empty box. 
So you think there is plenty of cereal where in reality there are about 3 stale Cheerios laying at the bottom of the box or that you have a carton of apple juice when actually someone has drunk the contents and put the carton back in the fridge.
My only suggestion to this issue is to leave it there and when they complain tell them to put the packaging in the recycling next time.


I need privacy .... but you don't.
Privacy is a tricky subject with teenagers.
We need to give them privacy and space, they need that as much as we parents do, and let's face it we probably wouldn't want to know the conversations that go on between them and their friends. I always know when something is going on and normally they or their friends will tell me when somethings wrong. 

Some parents snoop, I don't agree with this. Unless I had some real concerns about their well-being or safety then I don't poke my nose in. 
The crazy thing is that my teens are always snooping, logging into my phone, eavesdropping when I'm having secret phone conversations with my sisters and constantly asking whats going on.

But one thing can say about my teens is they are always very respectful of the adults in our family and would also never go into my bag or purse without permission. 

My advice on privacy with teens is be respectful as you would want them to be to you. 
They are much more likely to confide in you and trust you if you give them the space to come to you willingly.
The only exception where I wouldn't do this is as I said above if someone is at risk. 
Luckily this has never happened to us.


I need space but please stay near
Most people I talk to about teenagers have experienced this.
The Mum messages.  
my text messages go- 

'Have you seen my blue trainers?'
'?'
'?'
'Mum do you know where they are?'
'??'
'Mum?'
'??'
'Mum i need them'
'??'
'You know i cant text back when i'm at work
they are in the cupboard under the stairs'
'no there not'
'mum there not there'
'mum'
'Which cupboard?'
'??'
'mum i need them quick'
'There's only one cupboard under the stairs!'
'mum'
'i cant see them'
'god sake i really need them mum' 
'got them' 
'Good, told you they were there, have you brought your dishes down?'

Silence!


When my kids became teenagers i found it really hard. 
All of a sudden they didn't seem to need me, they become self sufficient really quickly once they hit 13-14, i guess this is because secondary school teaches them to take more responsibility for themselves, but don't worry parents are never completely redundant.
Sometimes they seem so grown up and mature and then others they cant carry out a simple task without asking for help or playing dumb. 
Its almost like they want freedom and choice but only on their own terms.

The only thing that you can really do is be there when they need you but make sure they understand that you're also going to be there when they don't particularly want you to too.  

 I hope this guide has helped my readers make their way through the joyous job of turning a child into an adult. And while you struggle through just keep in mind that one day you'll be a grandparent and then you can get your revenge! 



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